My last two columns for Nursery World have been about why children need to experience risky and challenging play.
In January 2010 I went to a seminar about the importance of adventurous play at the Nursery World Show. The speaker, Helen Tovey, explained the theory; if children are not exposed to risk, they cannot learn how to manage it. She quoted Froebel “a boy who has not been exposed to risk will not know his capabilities and is more likely to encounter danger”.
As a mother of two boys (and a little girl!), this really made me think: As a parent, keen to protect your child from danger, how often do we say “be careful…don’t do that you’ll fall…don’t run so fast down that hill”?
I’ve realised that while encouraging my sons to be more independent and adventurous in their play, I’m also using words of caution too often.
If we limit what they are allowed to experience, we will limit their ability to make decisions about what is sensible.
This is of course the key – finding the balance between being sensible and letting them explore. It’s a similar issue to the one I wrote about in my Stay Where I Can See You post. Then I had realised that while wondering why my oldest son was not keen to play independently from me, I was being over-cautious in not giving him the space to discover his own independence.
Both are difficult balances to find – we don’t want to allow our children to wander the streets alone or climb to the top of tall trees and fall out, but we want them to be confident and have a strong self believe.
There are “sensible/safe” ways to let them learn about managing risk. Researching this subject I found an article on Visit Wiltshire about Bowood House. Bowood had done a survey and discovered that parents visiting their adventure playground “fear the ramifications of over protecting today’s children and avoiding even a responsible level of risk”.
“Children who don’t explore and evaluate risk and danger won’t be able to discover their own limits and are likely to be more accident-prone. If children’s thinking becomes controlled and their imaginations aren’t explored, their perceptions are bound to be narrower; they won’t be so streetwise and able to fend for themselves”.
The Bowood attitude is that over-anxious parents will create reserved children less able to fend for themselves. Spending too much time indoors is unhealthy; parents questioned were nostalgic for their own childhoods when they were able to wander more freely. They asked, “is there more risk than in the 70’s or do we just have more access to the information now”?
I’m not suggesting that we stop watching our children, letting them do what they please. A crucial point is to differentiate between a risk and a hazard. “A hazard is something a child does not see. A risk is a challenge a child can see and chooses to undertake, or not.” (Mairs, K, 2000, quoted in Nursery World 6 May 2010).
T (age 6) has recently become a Beaver Scout and I was delighted when they went on a rock climbing and abseiling trip. However, despite knowing the theory, it’s still hard to let go. As he was preparing to set off I had to stop myself telling him to be careful, not wanting to instil anxiety in him through my parental worries. Instead I told him to listen to the instructions! That was advice Helen Tovey had given us; if children are shown how to do challenging activities correctly, then mastering that skill is a great way for them to build confidence and self-esteem. And those characteristics will be strong blocks on which to build as life gets more complex.
A very good post, I agree with you. And I’ve noticed my children don’t listen to me when I warn them to be careful or say ‘don’t run so fast, you’ll fall over’. My boys seem to push themselves to their physical limit, have an accident, and then learn from it themselves. And that’s healthy I think. As adults we often don’t want to be told not to do things, we want to try things for ourselves. I’m quite relaxed with my children, I think it’s because my parents were relaxed with me. And yes I ended up in casualty a few times with a broken arm and requiring stitches now and again. Some of my friends have a more cautious approach and clearly feel uncomfortable when they see my children doing something they perceive as risky. Sometimes a friend or relative will tell my children to be careful. And that really does frustrate me, I think people should respect parents’ individual boundaries and not start imposing their idea of risk onto other people’s children.
Hello, great to see you commenting here, I hope your rest from blogging was refreshing.
I completely agree with you, children learn best from experience – my six year old recently had a nasty fall when he ran down a steep hill but as we walked back up he commented that next time he would walk down it – so he’d learnt for himself, the hard way.
I admire you for being relaxed, it can be really difficult. There is a hill on our walk to school and the boys pelt down it, but the pavement narrows and I worry so much that they will fall and trip into the road. I suppose this is the difference between risk and hazard. But you are right, each parent has their own limit of what they find acceptable and we have to respect that.
Love the post. I try and give S age 6 and L age4 the space and independance they need. this is sometimes easier than others! I hear parents all the time saying “don’t run or you will fall” Are children not allowed to run anymore?
We have a green area with two large trees outside the front of our house, S , L and friends love playing out there with a ball, bikes, scooters or just digging under the tree with cars. I leave the front door open but I can not always see them. They know the rules we have made together ( Do Not go near the road) and they respect this.
As a playground Mum I know the path to school you are talking about. If we stop and think about how many children run or walk that path throughout the week do we know of any that have tripped and fell into the road? I don’t.
There are so many risks out there we can not possibly protect our children from them all. A day out to the Zoo ended up in Bristol childrens hospital for L when she pulled a hot cup of coffee on herself! We all learnt from that one!
Hm. Speaking as someone with slightly older children, and not wanting to be a voice of doom, but it does get harder. I like your “listen to instructions” approach. But what about the 13 year old going to the pool party at his friend’s house? I’m afraid I did do the “be careful” thing.
I so agree with you in theory, but I find the practice hard. As a child, we were allowed to play on the farm next door to our home, and I wouldn’t dream of letting my kids do what my mother turned a blind eye to. But I hugely admire her for letting us.
Playground Mum – thanks for commenting. I appreciate your observation about the pavement on the way to school; that is such a good point to make and thinking about it that way has really helped me gain perpective of that risk.
Iota Manhattan – don’t worry about appearing to be the voice of doom, I completely agree with you! My mum always tells me it gets harder as your children get older because you have less control over where they are or what they are doing. For example, how hard is it going to be when they all drive off on their own for the first time?
Do you think mothers of the past were better at letting go or just less aware of the risks in a, to use your example, farmyard, because there was less media to tell them all the terrible things that were happening to children?